What Would a Lioness Do?
On Stealth Surrender
I’ve been writing a lot about surrender. In December, I wrote about how rainwater can erode bedrock to form cenotes. (A very optimistic metaphor that gardening and community can save us from political crisis.) Last month, I wrote about how I am healing from surgery by reading Pema Chödrön and meditating at the bus stop. As I grow physically stronger, I have lost my direct channel to this monk-like muse. I know surrender still has something to offer me but now this word feels so limited. I am filled with lioness energy— rage and desire that wants to be channeled, moved, and shaped.
My knee still creaks and wobbles as I go down the stairs but every day, I do my physical therapy exercises. I squeeze a towel underneath my ankle and wiggle my legs back and forth inside of a stretchy band. It never feels like enough. I want to be drenched in sweat, face flushed, clawing up a mountain in bare feet. But instead, I lift my leg and then slowly lower it back down on the count of ten 10.
Every morning, I sit down to write, typing words and then erasing them, attempting to shape memories into scene. Trying to turn wild feelings into sentences. It’s so hard to trust these building blocks of progress. How can these tiny legs lifts build muscle? How will these messy words add up to create a book? How can these kale seeds mean anything in the face of so much despair and destruction?
There are many days when I feel overwhelmed by the path ahead. My vision is myopic and I am ravenous for change. I am a hungry shopper filling the cart with snacks, a rat in a cage taking hit after hit of sugar water. I push myself into frenzied action and spiral about the future. Is this really what a lioness would do? I asked myself the other day as I kept hitting refresh on my email.
Lioness energy is not just manic hunger and rage. It is methodical, graceful, stealth. The lioness shows up for the hunt again and again as the moonlight waxes and wanes, as the drought comes and goes. The savannah is vast and ever changing, and she must use her energy with great intention. Even for apex predators, surrender is part of the hunt. The lioness must stalk and strike and fight and fail. She retreats to the den empty-handed at least 70 percent of the time.
The lioness reminds me of the difference between surrender and giving up. Lioness energy is about showing up to build strength again and again without clinging to the immediate results. It is knowing when to channel my fierce inner power and when to slink away. It’s about letting myself get so completely absorbed by each tiny action step that there isn’t even space to think about the outcome.
Of course, this is easier said than done, so I want to offer a writing exercise I have been doing that helps me whenever I feel powerless or I’m struggling to channel big emotions in a meaningful way. May the lioness remind us—even in the moments when it feels productive to get triggered or be reactive, we are always of more service to the pride when we stay agile, stretchy, and low-to-the-ground. Here is to striking with intention.
An Offering
This piece was inspired by a previous Free Bird Hotel essay I wrote about creature embodiment. When I am having a dark moment, I like to think about what creature or animal I could channel to show up differently? Who can I become in order to create space for a more interesting story to unfold?
A lioness may come back from an unsuccessful hunt feeling hungry but she doesn’t add on the extra suffering of telling herself she is a failure who will never be able to provide for her cubs.
Animals live in the present moment. They do their jobs and then they rest, play, and take naps. Humans, on the other hand, do their jobs and then also take on a number of unpaid side hustles, like worrying, feeling guilty, comparing ourselves to other people, and creating elaborate stories that we’re not enough.
Here is my challenge to you: Write a job description for your animal self and soul self on this Earth. What do you need to do to keep yourself alive? What you want to do and experience and create while you are on this planet? What action steps do you need to take to live a life you would be proud of? How do you want to show up for people and the planet? Try to let go of any outcomes or timelines in this list. Then, write down all the things you do that are not part of your job but take up a lot of your time and mental energy. This is the Ego’s “Unpaid Side Hustle.”
When I did this exercise, I realized I hadn’t consciously separated what work was for me to do and what was beyond my control. I struggled to channel stealth surrender because my job and my unpaid side hustle were all mixed together in my brain. Subconsciously, I felt like I had to give up on everything or try to control everything in order to get to where I needed to go.
It’s also interesting to notice when I get pulled into the unpaid side hustle by other people. If I don’t have clear boundaries around what is up to me and what is up to the mysterious forces of the universe, it’s much easier to take on others’ projected fears.
Now, whenever I feel these big lioness feelings, I try to use them methodically. I look at my job description and decide how I can channel these emotions in a way that serves me.
Here is mine as an example:
Things that are my Job
Taking care of myself.
This means feeding myself nurturing food, getting rest, and taking care of my body through physical therapy, exercise, yoga, and weight training.
Healing myself and loving myself.
This means being patient with myself, feeling all my feelings, looking underneath all of the rocks to understand my trauma and what I am creating from my subconscious. Feeling things without getting stuck in any particular story or energy or emotion. Practicing gratitude when I can. Forgiving myself. Creating new thought patterns.
Showing up for the people I love with tenderness and support and good energy. Being a positive mirror to help reflect their highest selves.
Being part of the revolution for liberation.
Showing up for others, for peace, for the planet, and for the dignity and liberation of each human on the planet.
Speaking what I want to create into the universe and then putting myself out there so that I am in the way of these desires.
Putting myself out there by sharing my creative work, opening myself up to new friendships and relationships, and taking risks for new career opportunities.
Doing the things I love.
Having fun. Longboarding, hiking, being in nature, traveling, going on an ocean safari, surfing, learning to cross step on my surfboard, making dinner with friends, having deep conversations, spending time with my friends and sisters, writing, camping in the wilderness, dancing.
Things that are not my job (the Unpaid Side Hustle):
Trying to control the future.
Deciding how things need to come together and feeling angry when they don’t
Having anxiety and fear about the timeline of my unfolding life.
Trying to control other people and their actions and their political views.
Comparing myself to other people and then feeling terrible. (I do think feeling terrible can be a way of feeling control.)
Worrying about how people see me and view my contributions.
I hope this exercise is helpful for you. Feel free to share your list in the comments. Or share an animal energy you would like to channel.
I wish you peace and ease and healing! Thank you for supporting my creative work.
Love,
Emily